From here and from the country. I was visiting my parents. It was great spending time with them, and seeing where and how they live. It was also great to take a break from my life such as it is, what with looking for a job, any job that pays enough and won't make me dread going into work daily (too lofty of a goal?) while I look for my ideal job in my field. I hadn't wanted to go for such a long holiday (almost 4 weeks) because I thought as soon as the new year starts, I should be looking for jobs a hell of a lot more actively, but now I'm glad for the time with my parents and the travelling we did. I'm half-excited to get looking for the many jobs I'm sure are available now that it's the beginning of the year, but I also have the same fear that it will be depressing and hopeless. Must get over that and just go do what I have to do. Networking events, here I come!

I can't wait to catch up on everybody's news, it feels like I've been away for so much longer, I think I'll be devoting a whole day (yeah, I'm underestimating so I don't sound sooo sad) to read all my usual blogs. But it's weird, I guess I hadn't been in my apartment long enough to have things become habit before I left for a month, so when I got back, I had to ask M., who'd been looking after my place, which key opened with lock, and today, I had to rack my brain to think what number I press on my phone to let someone in.

I'm giving myself a week to get over jet-lag and then I'm going to start a whole new routine of getting up early, exercising, doing some writing, looking for jobs (whatever that is), and then doing something else useful, saving watching tv and reading for night time (when I'm not out).

Anyway, I hope you are all well, and I will write soon, so please come back!

It seems like this blog is turning into a monthly thing, but really, that wasn't my intention. And I don't mean to irritate my readers like I get irritated when my favourite bloggers haven't written. And I don't mean for people to take me off their lists of blogs. But, there we go. Life and or shit happens and I can't always write, or I sometimes don't want to.

The main reason I haven't written for a while is that I got a job! Yeah! Which turned out to be an unexpected temporary position with a company that wanted me to sign an illegal contract. Yeah. During the almost two weeks I was working, I was sick (happened the night before I started) and I was suffering from lack of sleep since I just wasn't used to getting up early. I was wiped out by 11pm every night. Then, I wasn't exactly in the best of moods when I had to once again go on a job hunt. I did want to share my frustration then, but I thought oh my god, all I've done recently is complain. Who would want to read that all the time? Not me. But I miss writing here and getting your comments. So, I am back.

I finally found an apartment. I had to sign a 1 yr lease, which I would have preferred not to do, because who knows where I'll find a job, though I really want to stay here in Vancouver. But, it's a good price, includes cable, and I will finally be able to get a kitten! Yay!! It has a nice layout, hardwood floors, and a nice size bedroom and living room, with a blue and white-tiled bathroom! It looks very pretty.

I have been keeping up mostly with your blogs, even though this week or so I haven't been commenting. I've found new blogs (like I need to add to my daily reads!) and that makes me happy. I've felt a creative surge lately, but I haven't done anything about it, really. Which isn't good. I definitely need to start writing more and drawing more, and I feel like making something with my hands. I don't know what, but cards or toys, or something. I figure I should go with it, as long as the materials aren't expensive. Since I don't know where I'm headed professionally, why not have some control personally, right?

That Nelly Furtado, she rocks. And that song goes out to TexasTbone! I've been wanting to write, but alas, my life has been pretty boring. But, here I am again. Actually, the post titled "Clueless" was written at the end of August, and I thought I'd want to write more, so I saved it as a draft, but I just read it over, and found it pretty much said everything. I just changed the date to today, so it wouldn't look weird.

Today, I'm not feeling so good. Mentally. I know part of it is hormones, since I'll be having the painters in soon*, but, it's all stemming from reality. What reality? Well, I'm still at M.'s, but looking for an apartment that at the moment I won't be able to pay for myself, since I don't have a job. The cars got parcelled out to me and my brother when my parents were here this past June, and my dad's insurance runs out this month, which means I'll need to put the car in my name, and pay for insurance, and I need the car to get out to jobs that might be a bit far away, considering I shouldn't be a geographic snob since the jobs ain't pouring in. But, no funds. Well, none of my own, I should say. Because, now that I've finished with M., my mum seems to have no problem funding me till I find a job. Or maybe she has just resigned herself to it, since I have yet to have one real lead. So, she'll pay for the apartment, though I will ideally be looking for a 2 bdrm apartment so that my parents have a place to stay when they come visit. So, yeah, she would need to partly pay for it, since I could never afford the rent on a 2 bdrm on the meager salary I have to look forward to making once I get a job. But she'll be paying for all of it at the start. Even if I have to get a 1 brdm apartment due to lack of great numbers of 2 brdm apartments. And get this, my brother's giving me a lecture about it al. The brother whose company I was stupidly missing is saying that I really shouldn't get the car insured, and "Look, the parents will be paying for the apartment for you already. And you should really just go back to the bank and get a job there, don't you think? Because you aren't finding anything else, and it's better than a receptionist job". Well, how nice of you to put your two cents in, dear brother. I'm sure you forget my experience at the bank and how I never want to work in one again. He pointed out that it's expensive for our parents to pay for everything. I said it wasn't my idea, this paying for everything, and he said it doesn't matter, you should know better. You should just deal with taking public transport, and blah blah.

What upsets me is that he's implying that I'm just coasting, and without a thought, taking our parents' money. No problem, just grabbing, grabbing. Hmm, dear brother, how much have you helped me to find a job? Have you offered any money to help me out? Do you come and visit and cheer me up? What the fuck are you doing about the problem (me)? Fuck all, that's right. I hate having to depend on the parents, being 28, and not having a career, even after having done this graduate program. Not making good money like you are, not being independent. Not getting any calls for interviews even though I have so much to offer. Do I need to hear shit from you? No. I know it would be cheaper for the parents if they didn't have to pay for my insurance as well as my apartment. But I'm assuming that I'll be able to start paying half of the payments at least once I find a job, which I'm hoping against hope, will be soon. I already feel shitty about the parts of my life that aren't' going well. I need support, not this sanctimonious crap.

And dear readers, I know beggars can't be choosers. I should just go get a teller job again. My grandmother told me the same thing. Start making some money. But I don't think it's better than a receptionist or office job. I need business experience, not teller experience. I'd rather get an office job where I'm getting the same pay as working as a teller, but where I don't have to put up with the same shit as a teller has to, and maybe, depending on the company, I can learn from the marketing people, or the managers, and maybe move up and get some relevant experience. Or at least have a job which won't look weird to my ideal employer when I'm applying for e-commerce positions. I don't know. I mean, depending on how long I have to work before I find a good job, maybe I won't need to even put whatever job on my resumeé, but shit. I just don't want to go back to a bank.

Ok, enough whining and complaining, and venting. Sorry for the hard reading, it's hard to rant and keep an eye on proper grammar and stuff. And I know I'm a very lucky girl, with so many, many things to be thankful for. I just needed to get this stuff out. Thanks for reading this far. Here's to all of us having a great weekend!


*Hehe, a British expression. It cracked me up when I read it, so I had to put it to use.

You know, in my last post, I mentioned that I was lost. What started me finding my way was receiving signs. I read about Krissa and Stuart and knowing he was the One, and I read similar things in other blogs like wish jar journal and smitten , and in books, and saw it on tv, and in movies. They were all coming at me at once. And it all rang true. Real people were finding the ones they fit with. No hollywood fantasies, or artistic license. Even in the books and on tv, it wasn't all cheesy and fake. All of it hit a chord in me, made me sit and up and get past the fear of loss, of the unknown, and admit that I wasn't with my 'one'.

I feel like I don't know anything about relationships and what I want anymore. I mean, I was engaged, for goodness' sake! That's a big thing. And people know about it, and I have to go around and tell everyone now, that no, I'm not engaged. It's not even something that I can just not bring up when I eventually start going out with someone else. Which won't be for a long time, by the way. I'll feel bound to tell them, because I can't stand dishonesty and secrets.

Ah, hell.

Hello!

Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone who has commented since I've been 'away' from my blog. You guys make me feel loved! :)

Secondly, I wanted to say, I am back, I'm not leaving the blogging world.

Thirdly, I wanted to let you know why I've been away. I was stressed out, and overwhelmed, and scared, and even though I meant to come on and ask you guys for feedback about my problem, it just never happened. Whenever I had the time to write about my problem, it was always when I refused to think about it. However, I have had time to figure things out and have what did happen sink in a bit, so now I'm going to lay it out for you guys, ok?

Ever since I got back from Montreal and moved in with M., things weren't feeling right. I was glad to be back in Vancouver, but I had to push myself to actually feel that way. I could explain why I was happy, but I didn't experience that sense of coming home that I expected. I thought maybe it was because I didn't actually move back into my parents' place and get into the groove of living at home. I thought maybe it was because my parents actually don't live here anymore and so I didn't have the same company I had before I left. But, while I do think that all contributes to my 'I'm on the outside looking in' kind of feeling that I've had since I've moved back, I realized that the problem was my relationship. I just wasn't feeling the same way about M. All of his faults and habits that I'd been able to ignore, or put up with, were irritating the hell out me. And I couldn't hide it.

Additionally, my mum was in town for the month of June, and I had to deal with her immense unhappiness that I was engaged to M., whom she didn't think was good enough for me, whom she didn't like since she'd gone with her 1st impression of him and not bothered to find out why I loved him and wanted to be with him. In fact, she was saying that if/when I married him, my parents and I would not be having a close relationship anymore. That it was her prerogative to decide who she wanted to spend time with, that she'd finished with putting everybody else's needs before her own, and she didn't want to be around M., and though it hurt her, she would not be spending time with me thereafter. Add this all to the stress of my feelings and thoughts being all skewed, and I was understandably lost.

Then M. 's son, who is supposed to visit for 2 weeks in July and 2 weeks in August, was parcelled off to us earlier in July because he was acting up with his mum. So he came to stay with us for the whole month of July (it ended up being just the first 3 weeks, but oy, that was enough). Now, I hadn't thought about this too much, but before when he'd come to stay for the summer, I always had my home to go back to at night, and I could tell M., whenever things got too much, that I was going to stay home. But, here, I had no escape! His son was always around, always making noise, always wanting to go out and do something. I started getting irritated with him as well. Which isn't fair, since all he was being was a normal kid. I am very lucky that he is such a normal kid (who, oddly enough, likes me) and not a spoilt brat, or worse. So I started to figure out, that one, I wasn't sure that I was in love with M., anymore, and that two, I knew for sure I didn't want to have to deal with a child. Especially a child who isn't mine. I am still in my selfish mode. I want to live my life the way I want to without having to worry about someone else's first. Someone who needs so much. Anyway, his son went home a week early since he got bored here, and got back at the end of the 2nd week in August, here till the end of the month.

There is another reason that contributed to my ending the relationship, but though it is stressful, I think that had I still been in love with M., I would've been able to handle it, and it wouldn't have been something that would have made me break off the relationship. So, I'm not going to mention it now, though I think I'll talk about it later.

So, almost two weeks ago, I ended my engagement with M. Once I'd finally realized and accepted my feelings and thoughts, it was only a matter of finding the 'right' time. And I know, I know, there isn't really ever a 'right' time, but I meant I'd wanted to do it when M.'s son wasn't around, so that when I moved out it wouldn't be traumatic for him, and harder for me. But, M. had realized, of course, that something was up, and he initiated the conversation to ask me what was wrong, and it happened when M.'s son was off visiting other family, but still staying with us. At least, we had the privacy and time to talk about it.

M.'s reaction wasn't what I (or he) expected. He understands. And bears me no hard feelings. He does however feel that the things he wants never work out for him, and I feel such guilt and sorrow that I've added to that. But he wants me to be happy, and, thankfully, he wants to stay friends. He has a tendency though, to think things are alright, and then some time later, he changes his mind, and realizes things aren't alright. And that's when his feelings come out. So, I'm not looking forward to that. Right now though, it's kind of rough and upside down. I can't help feeling sad at our parting, and I know that I'll miss him a lot. But he seems a-ok with it. No crying, no fighting for me, for us. And while I know he is repressing his feelings, it still hurts. He is still affectionate to me though, as I am to him. In fact, to look at us most times, you wouldn't think we weren't together anymore. For me, as soon as I broke up with him, I think the relief and certainty that I was making the right decision, allowed me to relax and for my positive feelings for him come back. For him, I don't know, I think it could be making the most of the time we have left together, as well. It does follow though, seeing as how we still love each other.

We tried discussing our thoughts about each other recently, in a truthful way, but that didn't work out so well. It was stupid of us to try so early on in our breakup, I think. We need time and especially distance to have that conversation without there being feeling hurt, and egos damaged.

So now, here I am, still at M.'s place, hoping to leave by the end of the month, but I don't know where. Living on my own depends on finances, which depends on me finding a job (any job now, I'll have to continue the search for one in my field on the side), or I could live with family. And I'm not sure about that yet.

Anyway, this is it. This is what's been going on in my life recently. No job yet, and now, no fiance. Ach,I thought I'd found the One. Now I have to get used to the idea that I haven't. Sigh...

Hello everyone!

I'm sorry I've been incognito for so long (a month, holy hell!). First, it was my parents flying to Montreal to help me pack and watch me graduate, and then it was packing up the computer, and then it was actually moving back to Vancouver, and then it was moving in with M. and then it was getting settled, which is still in progress and the boxes are still piled up in the corridor and only one of 3 clothes suitcases has been unpacked. I am so so bad about unpacking. No, really. Hehe. Anyway, though I have thought about my blog, and have been trying to keep up on all my favourites, I just haven't felt like writing. I don't know why. Obviously that's changed as of right now, and my catalyst? Mark asking if I'm still around :) Thanks, darlin'! It is nice to be missed!! I knew I'd get around to writing again, and you helped me back! How are YOU doing?

So, looking for jobs am I. But not like I thought I would. I so want to be working and earning a living again (and my parents are only going to support me for so long), so I totally thought I'd be looking from 8am to 5pm. But no. It's been very inconsistent. And I guess I do know why. Fear. And the fear is warring with my ambition. I look for jobs, but I also jump at any chance to go out and enjoy the gorgeous weather. And M., being self-employed, is available (and normally the one to suggest going out). He is actually looking for a salary job as well, to earn capital for his business, and I think he gets down about not having a steady income and needs breaks, you know? It's nice to not think about stressful things once in a while. But we can get too lazy. Sigh.
Already I'm thinking of going to Hamburger Mary's on Davie St., to have some hamburgers and frozen yogurt shakes. Tsk tsk...

Anyway, I think I'll sign off for now and when it's nice and dark and the sunshine isn't calling me, I'll update you on the less nice things that have been going on.

Take care!

So, I've been meaning to write about two events I went to recently. One was an exhibition at the Museum of Fine Arts(Musée des Beaux-Arts) here in Montreal. It was on a French artist named Jean Cocteau. He was a contemporary of Pablo Picasso and Modigliani. He was a painter, a sculpter, he made drawings, he made films, and ballets and wrote plays, put out a political magazine and did everything he could, just to explore everything artistic. It was great! This guy was fabulous. My friend and I went last Wednesday night, when the museum is open late and also the price of admission is halved from 5.30 - 9pm (and we showed our student IDs and got in for $3 bucks each!)and we got there around 7pm and I heard the amazingly slow moving cashier tell a customer that the exhibition takes about 2 hours to go through. Well, besides being slow, she's a liar, because at 9pm we weren't even halfway through the exhibition! We were told we had to leave soon, and so we zoomed through the remaining rooms and they were never ending! And we missed the really good stuff...Jean Cocteau apparently was crazy about sex as well and had all of these Kama Sutra-like drawings that we had no time to see. Tsk tsk. I'm just mad because it's a cultural event, only on for a short time, and it's educational, and all, you know?

Anyway, the second cultural event was at a theatre, and it was a performance of Japanese Taiko drumming. Quite cool! The group is actually from Vancouver, hehe. Taiko drumming used to be ceremonial but now is mostly performance art, and boy do you need muscles and endurance to do it!

Yeah, so that's it. I guess I haven't been posting because not too much else has been happening. Friends calling, friends flaking, lol, though not all of them. I read a lot, and walk a lot, but I'm kinda wishing that I had more friends here. A lot of the ppl I know here work during the day and are too tired to come out on weeknights, which I understand, but makes for quiet days. It gets tiring to walk around alone all the time, you know? But I am grateful for this time to myself, if that doesn't sound contradictory. I like not having to worry about studying, and knowing I don't have to do anything big. I have been drawing as well, so I'm happy about that :) Maybe I do need to get out and explore more on my own. I also wanted to take pictures of buildings while I was here, because there are so many old buildings with very interesting and lovely features. And my parents will be here end of next week, so I should get cracking!

Anyway...supposed to be going to see a movie tomorrow with one friend and then shopping with another friend on Thursday evening. Will see if that all pans out, lol.

Take care out there!

Here's my response that I meant to write after the argument M. and I had:
(you'll have to refresh yourselves on the other post)

Awwwwww! Thank you guys so much!! I send you grateful hugs!

I totally agree with you guys, as does M. We have talked about our communication problems before. And we did have quite the long talk last night. And I was thinking like you, Lainey, at first, that we just weren't going to be able to be together. Not because he is wrong or I am wrong, just that with this issue we don't match up. And for me, it's pretty much a deal-breaker. But M., who is so smart when he's not angry, said it's just something to work on, like other kinds of issues in a relationship. He basically took back the fact that he won't change, and said he will work on it, and we will work on figuring out a compromise. For this issue and our other ones.

He says it's easier to work things out when we are in person, which I understand. It is easy for him to get distracted and ignore the problem when I'm not in his face. He finds messenger makes things too impersonal. And the phone isn't much better. The fact that it is something to work is something I have to think about, but I know, despite these fights, that I want to be with him. And I love how he just had a different view of things, not such a drastic one, like me, but a reasonable one. Of course, it did hinge on the fact that he got that he was doing something wrong by hurting me. Or at least knows he doesn't want to hurt me.

I've got a month and a bit left here and then I go back and move in with him. We are going to try to keep things positive till I get back since neither of us wants to go through these tiring, draining arguments.

And uhm, that's it, because I have no idea what else I was going to write about on this topic.

Sigh, we are missing each other like crazy. You'd think we wouldn't because we will see each other soon, but not the case. I'm wishing he was here, gallivanting with me in the lovely weather, and just hanging out now that I don't have to worry about studying, and he's wishing I was home already, gallivanting with him in the lovely weather, and helping him with work.

Oh, well, off to gallivant with one of my friends, in, you guessed it, the lovely weather! I'll be back with a more substantial post later!